Howdy doodie y’all!? (or is it doody?)
By “gangster” you should know I mean graying, slightly over-weight father of one currently nursing a knee injury. Like I said – gangster.
Been a minute since I last posted – or 1,576,800 of them if you’ve actually been counting – which I’m sure many of you have, hence this holiday gift to you. Ah, the memories. I had recently been fitted for my new grill (aka gold teeth for the urban dialect deficient) and I said to myself – how can I let the world share in the glory that is my mouth jewelry. “MySpace” was the answer (is that uncool to admit?)
My beauty was met with cheers, adoration and calls for more Steve. I indulged my fan base with a blog featuring topics ranging from farts in pilates classes, to sexy men in heels. Out of context, that might sound a little strange – but let’s be real – how sexy is Prince and his penis guitar?
Unfortunately, MySpace fell out of favor – for the exact same site with a different name (Facebook) and two glaring differences, no blog, and for whatever reason in this bizzaro alter cyber universe, sexy/slutty looking women no longer requested my friendship – both of which I considered legitimate downgrades. And yes – I saw the movie – spare me the explanation – it’s the same site. Anyway – I resisted until I could resist no longer, which marked the end of a once insightful and truly adored moment in literary history, my blog.
All of that aside – I’ve decided to rekindle this cyber love affair with myself, and hopefully you’ll join me for the ride. I want to be upfront about one thing – the only reason I write this blog is for you to tell me how funny, intelligent, handsome and talented I am. If you’ve got other opinions on the matter – save em – cause The Steve ain’t having it.
I guess I should address the self appointed nickname – “The Steve”. You see, like all of my nicknames – I came up with it. And like all of my nicknames – it’s been hated on. Seems adding a “The” to a name is rather collegiate – fratish if you will. Though highly recruited, i never joined one- so I can’t attest to the truth of such claims. “The” feels kind of royal to me – but who knows? It’s been moved to the back burner due to people’s inability to use it correctly. 3rd person seems rather obvious to me but you wouldn’t believe how many times people obliging my sobriquet (good word – I know. Look it up) use it so utterly wrong. Example:
person: What’s up The Steve?
me: It’s – what’s up with “The Steve” – Get it?
me: It’s 3rd person – so you should say “what’s up with The Steve” and I would say – “The Steve is chilling.”
person: Hahahaha – you’re so funny The Steve.
me: The Steve agrees.
I digress. The original point of this inaugural reentry to the blogosphere was to recruit fans and let you know what to expect.
A.) Not every post will be for you. Remember, this is about me – so deal with it. Fortunately, I am awesome, so in dealing with it -learn to enjoy and love it.
B.) I’ll be commenting and schooling y’all to an increasingly wide range of topics. Requests will be entertained, and frequently dismissed – but don’t let that stop you from trying.
C.) This will probably lead to some pretty awesome book/movie deals with action figures that look like me.
Look – I’m a beautiful man. Men want to be me – many want to be with me – just like all women. I’m that gorgeous. I’d say I suffer from narcissism – but let’s be real, getting lost in my own gaze hardly seems like an affliction. I’m incredibly intelligent. I know stuff about stuff, and lots of it. My style – awesome. Level of wit -awesomer. It’s not that I’m vain, so much as I’m simply aware of how awesome I am. The point I’m getting at is – you might not always be able to relate to me, and me unto you – but together, we’ll try.
Let’s make something beautiful. Like me. See you at the next post.
AKA- The Big Avocado