So, I’m currently sporting an impressive beard. Granted- it’s neck coverage is a little more prominent than, say, my cheeks or my upper lip. Some refer to it as “sick.” I can only presume such comments are made in reference to the modern term of the word where sick means fantastic. However, commentary seems to have become a lead-in to all interactions.
Person: Steve, what’s up with the “beard?”
Me: What’s up with the air quotes around “beard?”
Person: Well – it only covers your neck – so should I call it something else?
Me: Aside from beautiful?
Me: How’s about you say – thanks.
Why “thanks” you ask. Well for starters – you get to enjoy it. However – I recognize tastes vary – and for that select group of haters – The Steve would like to inform you that nothing is an accident. This particular brand of perceived ugly is more of a preventative measure. Allow me to explain–
You see, it gets exhausting carrying a stick around to beat off potential suitors. Not to mention – it’s embarrassing for men when their women leave their side to hypnotically follow me like a bee to sweet nectar. It’s for just such a scenario that I have grown a natural buffer – a facial prophylactic to deter what would otherwise be every single woman jocking The Steve.
I went to a club tonight and came across a honey dip I’d once met. She dates a friend of mine – and for his sake – I have toned down the natural beauty.
She says to me: “Have we met?”
Me: “Yeah – by the look in your eyes – I assumed you were in love with me.”
Her: “Hmmm. I’m not so sure about that. Did you maybe have less hair on your face?”
Me: “I guess I did – you don’t like it?”
Her: “Oh no – it’s not that. I’m not saying it’s “ugly” but have you considered maybe shaving it so that it’s all the same length? Maybe trim it a bit?”
Me: “Have you ever considered how awkward it would be if I did that – and then I had to reject your advances of love?”
Her: “I’m going to use the bathroom. Nice to meet you.”
“Again” I remind her.
And so I repeat – to those that appreciate I man with a good face (neck) full of hair, and to those men whose girls don’t — you’re welcome.