Me. You see, I work with a handful of A-holes who may have dissuaded a few people from reading my “work”, and I just want to make sure that you know that they don’t know shit, and I, like my blog, am awesome.
My blog nemesis -Alexandra, a completely unremarkable comedic presence, somehow summons her inner Eddie Murphy when it comes to shit talking my blog. A couple weeks back, I posted something about the holidays. Like an abused child desperately seeking their father’s approval, I shuffled over to her desk, chin in my chest to see if she had read the post. I knew she had it, because I signed her up for a subscription when she was away from her computer. Her response: “Sorry, I’ve been busy doing nothing. Priorities, ya know?”
Me: “F-You too. How bout I just unsubscribe you from my blog? I can do that you know.”
Alex: “Oh no, one less thing to sort through in my spam trash.”
Me: “It’s not that I hate you – It’s just that I hope you have an allergic reaction to some nuts and your face turns pimply and you have chronic diarrhea for the rest of your life.”
Alex: “Wow – You’re about as nice as your blog is funny?”
Me: “You’re… about as …. stupid as …. Shut up Richard (see Tommy Boy for reference and funny film).”
Dejectedly, I walked back to my desk. At this point, I asked my good friend/office mate Jackie if she would indulge me by reading my blog and telling me how funny it was.
Jackie: “Why do you need so much attention? What is wrong with you?
Me: “I’m trying to share my creative side with the world – dick. Don’t you want to support me as a friend? You might even think it’s funny.
Jackie: “I just don’t get why you are so starved for attention?”
Me: “I just don’t get why you’re such a lesbian.”
You should know that last comment was a retort and not a homophobic comment – just a point to illustrate the fact that we are who we are. I am a wonderful thing to experience. Additionally, I am generous, and I have chosen this outlet to share myself. You’re welcome world (and all 14 of my subscribers). Jackie is a Lesbian. This just in: The world is also spherical.
Mind you – this is the same collection of A-Holes that put me on permanent blast about my beard, my fashion, and now my blog. I guess we are like oppositely charged magnets repelling each other; me to the side of the universe where beautiful people, fantastic dancers, gifted thinkers and Packer fans go; they to the dullard, tragically dressed, rhythmically impaired and comedically stunted corner of the room.
Best part about this post – I’m for sure stopping by all of their desks to make sure they read it. Why? Because I believe in second, third and fourth chances. They deserve the opportunity to bask in my glory much like anyone else who stumbles upon this Avocado patch. You’re welcome.
The Big Avocado