The Package

Love.

As anyone who knows me will tell you – I’m a little gay for Brett Favre – some would say a lot gay. I frequently get lost in thought fantasizing about touchdowns and wins, epic comebacks, those giant hands – gives me tingles. His fall from Title Town grace was rough. I’ve defended the legend hundreds, possibly thousands of times from indignant know-nothing fans. Everything the guy did was awesome – he was the best at everything. Strongest arm, most creative plays, funniest dude in the locker room, best looking face. Before he quit drinking – he was the best at drinking beer, the best at eating Vicodin. Then he was the best at quiting drinking and Vicodin eating. He was the best at picking up chicks and simultaneously the best husband ever. I’m guessing his farts were the loudest, and stunk the worst (thereby making them the best.) And the one thing I was sure of: without a doubt in the world – Brett Favre had the biggest penis in the industry (or any industry).

But then came Jen Sterger, and everything began to fall apart. First the voicemail – completely unplayer sounding pleas for a booty call. Then… the wiener picks. NOOOO!!!! Not Brett Favre. Brett – the interweb is forever, dummy. And what’s with the 1/2 erect dick photo? Lets put our best foot forward guy – that is the very definition of half-stepping.

Worst of all – it’s not that big! In my dreams – it’s usually twice the size (length and girth) and to be quite honest, I’m more comfortable imagining your ding-a-ling than I am actually seeing it. What’s worse – I saw it with… my mom <gasp>. Oh the humanity! I never thought their would be actual dick shots for our viewing displeasure. My mom was beside herself – she too thought you had a much bigger pee-pee.

What am I supposed to do now? Up is down, black is white – I’m adrift at sea, my world crumbling around me. I was willing to forgive:

336 interception
54 fumbles
4 retirements

I was even willing to forgive that hideous purple jersey (it looked terrible with your gorgeous silver hair). But this business about having an average sized johnson – well Brett, that just won’t do. The dream is over my man. Enjoy retirement. I love everything else about you – you’re just not quite the guy I thought you were.

On another note – did y’all catch that Packers Falcons game. Holy effing shit – Aaron Rodgers must have the biggest dick of all time.

 

“Big” Avocado

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About The Big Avocado

A bag of chips and then some.
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10 Responses to The Package

  1. Graham says:

    Brotha Man,
    Acknowledging is the first step to solving… Good for you! As an old (older) fuck, I was one often unable to separate the remarkable performer from the serial retire-rer (Yeah, I make up words.). YOU were probably the best reason to reassess, allowing to appreciate the player. (And I do mean player, as the Sterger/Jet’s masseuses/”chicken” shots take him out of the “playah” realm.) Look foreword to buying you a big, tall beer. For drinking only; not cryin’ in.

  2. rob says:

    Best at eating Vicodin…questionable.

  3. Michael says:

    Second biggest. . . . Behind mine

  4. Eben says:

    Way to bring the funny Steve. Imagine how much more funny you could bring if you had “those giant hands” of Favre’s.

  5. gregjennings85 says:

    Well, right off the bat, I’ve never seen #4 put up a game like Aaron Rodgers did on 1/16/2011, against the Atlanta Falcons, in their house.

    I’m sorry, what we’re we talking about, again?

  6. gregjennings85 says:

    …’were’ we talking…

    I’m my own worst enemy, I swear.

  7. Anne says:

    …cricket, cricket. Jaw on floor…

  8. I don’t know. I thought he had a cute penis. Lilting off to the side like a puppy who’s just heard a noise off in the other room. Whassat?

  9. Shaun says:

    Um, you are funny. Love your blog. Hi to the Mrs. for me!

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