I’m terrified of poop. It was the single greatest mental hurdle for me in deciding I was ready to have children. Not- how to properly raise a child or be a good role model- but how will I deal with the nasty ass poops this child will excrete all over itself multiple times a day?
Me: Honey – I totally want this – I just don’t want to change diapers.
Wife: Well – I totally wanted to marry you, but I didn’t want to cook, clean and look after you – yet I did it anyway, so hopefully you’ll grow a sack and make it work.
It should come as no surprise that as soon as this little nugget (pun intended) was able to keep from falling in a toilet, I’ve been asking her to poop in the potty. However – Lucy treats poo-poo time as a bonding experience. As she puts an adult size funk on the bathroom space – I’m asked to sit in the room, sing songs and clap my hands. Not clap my hands to the beat of a song, but to applaud her poop in the toilet.
Lucy: <Scrunchy effort face – ploop- smile> Clap for me dad 🙂
Me (unenthusiastically) yay. clap clap.
Lucy: Do a big clap
Me: CLAP! CLAP! YAY -POO – POO!!
Lucy: Sing me a song.
Me: The wheels on the bus go <interrupted> Lucy: Not dat one daddy!
Me: Tinkle tinkle yittle star (her version) Lucy: <interrupted> NOT DAT ONE!! (panic growing)
Me: Which one do you want honey?
Lucy: Watchu say?
Lucy: WATCHU SAY!
Me: (To my wife) Honey – what song is “Watchu say?”
Wife: It’s a new one from class – it goes, “duh-da da da d-da -hey hey whadda ya say – and then you fill in the rest with an activity, like – let’s all drive a car today”
Me: Got it. (To Lucy) – duh-da da da d-da -hey hey whadda ya say? (wait for response – nothing) Let’s go drive a car today!” And then we both smile and move the pretend steering wheel.
Me: (Again) duh-da, da da d-da -hey hey whadda ya say? A light bulb goes off in her head and she finishes the chorus with “let’s all rub our nipples today!
Me: Let’s all what?
Lucy: Rub our nipples today! (she rubs her nipples and smiles)
Me: Honey – what the shit are they teaching at that class? She wants us to rub our nipples?
Wife: Ha! that’s funny!
Me: No -that’s a little disturbing, and kind of pervy.
Wife: Stephen – she’s just learning about body parts. All kids do it.
Lucy: Daddy – you have boobies?
Me: (self consciously, and possibly a little agressivly) No.
Lucy: Little one’s?
Me: What? No – daddy doesn’t have any size boobies.
Lucy: Just nipples?
Me: To my wife: Hun – isn’t she a little young for the whole anatomy thing?
Lucy: You got wiener?
Me: Uh, yeah – daddy’s got a wiener.
Lucy: Lucy has a vagina.
Me: To my wife – for real? My daughter knows the word vagina? Isn’t there a more friendly word for vagina?
Wife: (somewhat offended) Friendly?
Me: You know – like penis is to wiener as vagina is to ____? It’s an analogy – like an SAT question.
Wife: I’m pretty sure the alternatives will make you less comfortable.
A quick mental run through of the alternatives proves her case.
I didn’t think being a pervert was genetic. I might be in trouble. Hopefully burkas will find their way into Western fashion, and locked bedroom doors will not be seen as a form of child abuse and or a fire hazard. And to think poo was my biggest concern.
-The Big Oy Veycado