Say What?

I’m terrified of poop. It was the single greatest mental hurdle for me in deciding I was ready to have children. Not- how to properly raise a child or be a good role model- but how will I deal with the nasty ass poops this child will excrete all over itself multiple times a day?

Me: Honey – I totally want this – I just don’t want to change diapers.

Wife: Well – I totally wanted to marry you, but I didn’t want to cook, clean and look after you – yet I did it anyway, so hopefully you’ll grow a sack and make it work.

Touche’

It should come as no surprise that as soon as this little nugget (pun intended) was able to keep from falling in a toilet, I’ve been asking her to poop in the potty. However – Lucy treats poo-poo time as a bonding experience. As she puts an adult size funk on the bathroom space – I’m asked to sit in the room, sing songs and clap my hands. Not clap my hands to the beat of a song, but to applaud her poop in the toilet.

Lucy: <Scrunchy effort face – ploop- smile> Clap for me dad 🙂

More funk than George Clinton

Me (unenthusiastically) yay.  clap clap.

Lucy: Do a big clap

Me: CLAP! CLAP! YAY -POO – POO!!

Lucy: Sing me a song.

Me: The wheels on the bus go <interrupted> Lucy: Not dat one daddy!

Me: Tinkle tinkle yittle star (her version) Lucy: <interrupted> NOT DAT ONE!! (panic growing)

Me: Which one do you want honey?

Lucy: Watchu say?

Me: Huh?

Lucy: WATCHU SAY!

Me: (To my wife) Honey – what song is “Watchu say?”

Wife: It’s a new one from class – it goes, “duh-da da da d-da -hey hey whadda ya say – and then you fill in the rest with an activity, like – let’s all drive a car today”

Me: Got it. (To Lucy) – duh-da da da d-da -hey hey whadda ya say? (wait for response – nothing) Let’s go drive a car today!” And then we both smile and move the pretend steering wheel.

Me: (Again) duh-da, da da d-da -hey hey whadda ya say?  A light bulb goes off in her head and she finishes the chorus with “let’s all rub our nipples today!

–record scratch–

Me: Let’s all what?

Lucy: Rub our nipples today! (she rubs her nipples and smiles)

Me: Honey – what the shit are they teaching at that class? She wants us to rub our nipples?

Wife: Ha! that’s funny!

Me: No -that’s a little disturbing, and kind of pervy.

Wife: Stephen – she’s just learning about body parts. All kids do it.

Lucy: Daddy – you have boobies?

Me: (self consciously, and possibly a little agressivly) No.

Lucy: Little one’s?

Me: What? No – daddy doesn’t have any size boobies.

Lucy: Just nipples?

Me: To my wife: Hun – isn’t she a little young for the whole anatomy thing?

Lucy: You got wiener?

Me: Uh, yeah – daddy’s got a wiener.

Lucy: Lucy has a vagina.

Me: To my wife – for real? My daughter knows the word vagina? Isn’t there a more friendly word for vagina?

Wife: (somewhat offended) Friendly?

Me: You know – like penis is to wiener as vagina is to ____? It’s an analogy – like an SAT question.

Wife: I’m pretty sure the alternatives will make you less comfortable.

A quick mental run through of the alternatives proves her case.

I didn’t think being a pervert was genetic. I might be in trouble. Hopefully burkas will find their way into Western fashion, and locked bedroom doors will not be seen as a form of child abuse and or a fire hazard. And to think poo was my biggest concern.

-The Big Oy Veycado

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About The Big Avocado

A bag of chips and then some.
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19 Responses to Say What?

  1. Rob Norris says:

    Without question best photo I have seen. The Big Avocado blends adorable and creepy into a frothy head of something.

  2. Mikie says:

    oy veycado, are you jewish?

  3. Graham says:

    This post has unleashed a wave of childhood flashbacks that I’m not totally comfortable with.

  4. Jessie says:

    hilarious!

  5. Michael says:

    Hoo ha is a good alternative. And the live scrunchy poopy face on my AT&T iPhone 4’s facetime app (I got a dollar for saying that) Is maybe the cutest funniest thing I have ever seen. She deserves claps for that, and if you’re gonna be in there while she tries to do her business you oughta be singing, or at least humming.

    Keep up the good daddying brother

  6. Isabel says:

    vagina is to va-jay-jay???? or try, pee-pee???? still not???

  7. Anonymous says:

    You are terrified of poop? How is the guy who for years intentionally left “presents” under the lid for the joyous discovery of the lucky next-in-line “terrified of poop”?

    • Good point – I meant to say, I’m scared of everyone else’s poop. Especially yours Jay. By the way – let’s not pretend like I didn’t learn the surprise dookie game from you. In fact – some of your “presents” may have led to this phobia. I was pretty sure you had some kind of disease for awhile.

  8. Jen says:

    So funny. We don’t have kids but big dogs. And, I’m picking up poop every day. Granted, not with my bare hands but still it’s pretty gross. So, not much freaks me out since I’ve been doing it for years.
    I’m with you. I’d be a little concerned about what they’re teaching at this school. Can’t this wait until the kids can actually wipe their own bottoms.

  9. dora says:

    I’m laughing out loud. What class does she go to? Need to know so we stay away :).

  10. OMG! Avocado…you quite possibly are the funniest blogger on the planet! Seriously, you’re killin’ me. And Lucy is adorable…she reminds me of my 2 1/2 y.o. niece who is also capable of putting an adult size funk on the bathroom! I was kinda shocked the first time I heard her refer to her little lady parts as her ‘gina. My cousins girls use proper anatomical terms as well…kind of a new concept today, I think. Kinda strange to me, but you’re right…there aren’t many good alternatives. Keep smilin’ Daddy…you’re doin’ a great job!

    • I’m gonna go ahead and agree with you, and thank you a million times over for the compliment. I’m never sure if my stuff reads well to people that don’t know me. I’ll try to keep up the hilarity. You keep reading…and tell your friends;)

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  13. Nicole says:

    Avocado!!!!!! I tried (really, I did) to read this aloud to my husband (who’s looking at me like I’ve lost ALL my marbles) and I couldn’t stop laughing (more like hyperventilate) when I got to “Lucy: ”

    That is by far the funniest thing EVER…..the pic is priceless.

    Please, PLEASE, keep these posts coming. I’m an instant fan. 🙂

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