I’m a mama’s boy. I’m good with admitting that. Years of conditioning have made me the man I am today. She molded me into the work of art you all know as The Big Avocado.
Her words of wisdom have stuck with me for life. Be nice to people. Always be respectful. Don’t play with your penis in public – people will think you’re a pervert. These are more or less the words I live by.
I got my good looks from her. I got my humor from her. I got the hands of a 5’1” woman from her as well. I’m excellent with knots and reaching between the seats of cars.
Most of the random intelligence about life can be credited to her:
Mom: Stephen, you have lots of dandruff. You should wrap your head in an olive oil drenched towel.
Me: Hmmm. I’m not sure – but I think you’re messing with me.
Mom: Is that a stye? Oh my – that looks bad. Rub some gold on it.
Me: Should I grab a brick from the reserve, or do you mind if I borrow some from the treasure pool?
Mom: You have a really big zit on your nose.
Me: Do I? I hadn’t noticed. I actually thought I was growing a second nose – thank you for explaining that to me.
Mom: Put some Neosporin on it and cover it with a bandaid.
Me: That’s a grrreat idea – the kids at school will never even notice!
Mom: You have dog breath. Did you brush your teeth?
Me: I did, right before breakfast.
Mom: You should do it again with toothpaste.
Me: Right – toothpaste. I knew I was forgetting something.
Mom: Your pants are falling down. You look like a plumber from jail.
Me: Like a plumber that went to jail – or a plumber fixing the bathrooms in jail? Because the latter is cool, but I’d be soooo embarrassed if I was mistaken for a felon plumber.
I remember the time my mom busted me with some friends drinking at the house in high-school. A buddy of mine passed out in the living room, so 4 of us each grabbed an arm and a leg to carry him upstairs for the night. She came out of her bedroom and caught us during the body transport. The look of horror on her face was alarming.
Mom: Oh my god. Stephen! That’s no way to carry a body. His heads going to hit the stairs.
Mom – you’re the best. I love you so much and I am grateful for everything you have ever done for me. I’m contractually obligated to say that my wife (the mother of my child) is the greatest mother of all time – but you are the best mother I’ve ever had.
Happy Mother’s Day – And Happy Mother’s Day to mom’s across the globe. I’m sure your mom is great, but mine is just a little better.
–The Mama’s Avocado