Aw Sh!t

Less cute while pooping

So, I took the dog for a walk the other day. I had to go pick up dinner, and it was a little far for Lucy to walk, so I brought a kid-carrier on my chest. With kid comes diaper bag—I sport a subtle and understated red little number which works well with many of my outfits. I was feeling very multi-tasky. Gettin’ stuff done while the wifey did her sit-up thing at a pilates class.

Things were going smoothly, until they weren’t. I was returning home, and when I got to the middle of the busiest intersection in town I suddenly felt a tug on the leash. My dog, Alvin, is a real sniffer, so I figured he was just checking out the scene. Wrong. I turned back to find bent, quivering legs—poop position.

Me: Whoawhoawhoa—buddy—hang on. Not here.

Alvin: Here.

He could have gone 10 paces earlier in the plot of grass. He could have pinched it 10 paces further when I would have been out of the street—but no. He was ready to do the doo-doo right there. Lucy’s laughing. So is the minivan filled with kids waiting for me to cross. The driver actually took the time to reach over her kid and roll down the manuel window to let me know that she and her kid thought this was a very funny moment in my day, and not to worry because she’d wait.

I thanked her for noticing without a bit of sarcasm.

Upon bending over to pick up said dookie, dinner falls out of my diaper bag. Lucy laughs more. I do not. But then things did get funny. After recollecting my now street-flavored dinner, I bent over once again to pick up the dookie. Lucy shoots me a worried look from the chest harness, grabs the straps and says, “Don’t drop me in the poop daddy.” Her concern was warranted. I had just dropped the dinner remarkably close to the doodie, and now her face was maybe eight inches from the dog logs. Then Lucy came within whiff distance. Her eyes closed tightly, her mouth opened and for a second—I thought she might barf. Instead, she did a little gag barf—and because I’m a dickhead I laughed

Lucy: That’s stinky daddy.

Me: I know. Poopy is stinky. Just like yours.

Lucy (pause): “You got some poop on your hand.”

Ever poop paranoid, I went in for a closer inspection of my hand. Much like the guy that pours his drink out when asked what time it is, I brought a stank ass bag of shit within a few centimeters of my face … gagged.

Lucy (laughing): That’s stinky daddy.

I’m not saying she’s an evil Jedi genius—but on this occasion, I have to give her props.

Good one Lucy—you got me.

— The Big Avocado.

About The Big Avocado

A bag of chips and then some.
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16 Responses to Aw Sh!t

  1. Michael says:

    Good boy Alvin!

  2. Donna says:

    i am crying with laughter! can lucy be my best friend? btw, your new pup photographs well. super cute!

  3. Nicole says:

    I admit….I have laughed, snorted, chuckled, and nearly peed my pants reading this. I LOVE IT!!!!!!! I laughed even harder when I shared this with a couple of teachers during our lunch break (gasp – don’t tell anybody!). It was a huge hit and we love you, Lucy, and Alvin. What a great post. 🙂

    • I admit… I love you so much for this comment. And thanks for sharing this post with others. Each one teach one, right teach? – Get it? It’s funny because you’re a teacher…*trailing off as I realize the lack of comedy in this response*

  4. Shaun says:

    I love your blog Steve. Keep ’em coming.

  5. The Sweetest says:

    Awesome. But not really. Having a kiddo is enough poop for one grown-up, but a dog, too? You are tough. A friend of mine got rid of the god they’d had for five years after having a child. Said she just couldn’t clean up after both of them.

  6. Stacey says:

    No, I’m pretty sure you can say it – evil Jedi genius.

  7. Lucy sounds hilarious! And definitely and evil Jedi genius! They are crafty little things!

  8. Anna says:

    I just went for the first walk with my new Baby Jack today. It will be awhile until I can handle dogs and baby and when I do I will think of your story and smile.

  9. Eunice Dunham says:

    To Lucy…HIGH FIVE! ; ) She takes after you Stevo, be proud.

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