Avocado fan club, I’d like to begin by apologizing for my extended absence over the past couple months. I’ve been busy. Doing stuff. Also: Doing things. I have fielded numerous calls (one) and received countless messages (also one) inquiring as to my whereabouts and intentions for the future of this blog. Let me begin by unequivocally stating my masturbation habit has not gotten in the way of my work, and I place all blame of my hiatus on familial responsibilities. (What’s the point of having kids if you can’t blame them for things?)
Over the past two months I have gone on vacation with my family, performed a wedding ceremony for my brother, watched my wife’s
boobs grow pregnancy blossom, and moved. Normally I try to put my readers’ needs ahead of my own, but this time I have failed. Despite a decline in written materials, funny things continue to take place, and I have every intention of embarrassing my friends, family and self to satiate your appetite for Fox family humiliation.
At this point, I would like to field any questions you might have.
Q: Who exactly do you think reads this blog?
Me: Mostly people my mom forwards this blog to. She’s very persistent.
Q: And you believe this contigency actually misses your blog?
Me: Who invited this asshole to the presser? Yes. F-yeah. People love my blog. Just ask my mom—she’ll tell you.
Q: You’re about to have a baby. Have you picked out any names?
Me: Yes. I presume you would like to judge my decisions? Well, here you go. If it’s a boy he will be named William Percy Fox, and we will call him Percy. William is my dad’s name, and Percy is my mom’s maiden name.
Q: Percy? Do you expect he will be picked on with such a wimpy name?
Me: I expect he will look like me, and therefore attract many beautiful women.
Q: Isn’t Percy kind of a country club-ish name?
Me (with aggressive sarcasm): Yes, he will also excel at golf and racism.
Q: And if it’s a girl?
Me: We have decided on Kaya.
Q: As in “weed,” a la the Bob Marley song?
Me: Yes. Reefer didn’t sound feminine enough. Marijuana— too clunky. Grass—a little dated. And Cheeba, well, it was a little too “foreign” for my parents.
Q: But they are good with Kaya?
Me: They are rooting for a boy.
Q: Tell us about Hawaii.
Me: I spent most of my time getting red.
Q: You mean getting high?
Me: No, I mean getting red. I tan in shades of red.
Q: Are you familiar with sunscreen?
Me: Yes. I’m good at putting it on, too. Please see next slide for evidence:
Q: This feels like a slide show of someone’s vacation. You are aware that no one cares about your vacation, right?
Me: Well, what if I tell an embarrassing story too?
Q: Please proceed.
Me: Well, I recently went to Hawaii, and had this interaction over the phone with my mother:
Mom: Are you having fun?
Me: We are having an A-mazing time.
Mom: And what about you and Marie? Are you getting to spend some time together?
Me: All day every, every day.
Mom: I mean, are you two getting to spend some time alone?
Me (seeing where this is going and trying to avoid the conclusion): Yup. Great time. We are having a great time.
Mom: But, are you having some special time?
Me: Are you really asking me if I’m having sex with my wife?
Mom (awkwardly laughing): I just wanted to know if you two are having some time to yourselves.
Me: We are having lots of sex.
Mom: I don’t need to know all that.
Wife: What are you guys talking about?
Me: My mom wants to know if we are having sex.
Wife: <Stunned silence>
Me (shoulder shrug): Yup.
Me (to mom): Do you remember the time when I was in 3rd grade and you told me that if your bedroom door was closed I wasn’t allowed to come in?
Mom: I didn’t tell you that.
Me: Yes you did. And you know what? I was fine imagining that you needed the sleep. Let’s just leave it at—I have gotten plenty of sleep this vacation. We are going to the beach. And by going to the beach, I mean going to the beach. I’ll try to forget this conversation happened.
Mom: Have fun, and call me when you’re back. I can’t wait to hear about it.
Me: I’ll send you a postcard.
Q: Is this press conference a way for you to combine a bunch of half-assed blogs into one “catch-up” blog, thereby excusing you of a two-month silence?
A: Next question. Nobody? Great. See you all soon. The baby is due September 28th, so by soon, it’s quite possible I mean much later. Y’all bitches be good now, ya hear?!
<Exit to James Brown “Living in America.” Release balloons. Enter cheerleaders. Beat-Box into mic. Peace signs extended. Collapse onto stage. Get draped in American flag. Jump up. Do the Running Man followed by the Jerk. And then the Dougie. Exit stage left.>