The baby watch continues. Mama Avocado is 5 days overdue. The list of things to worry about in my life is growing, rapidly and dramatically, but nothing worries me more than the following decision–should we circumcise the baby?
We didn’t find out the sex of the baby, so we don’t know if it’s going to be a boy or a girl … but I remain convinced it’s a boy. It’s not that I’m rooting for a boy–I just think it is, and I’m almost always right about everything, always.
So what do we do? Some people feel very passionate about this decision. I am not one of them. I don’t like the idea of my child enduring what I have to assume is obviously a traumatic, incredibly painful experience so early on in his life (have you heard the way they scream?!). Then again, I don’t like the idea of my little guy getting clowned in the locker room for sporting the old “dick-sleeve.”
We have turned to our midwife for advice. She has shared the following facts with us.
1. There is no medical reason to curcimcise your child.
2. Over 50% of boys across the country are uncircumcised.
3. In the Bay Area, 75% of boys are not.
4. Barring religion, the number one reason most parents choose to circumcise their child is because dad wants his kid’s “thingy” to resemble his own.
So my midwife says to me, “Are you going to have a hard time relating to your child when he says, “dad, why does your wiener look different than mine?””
Me: Well, I’ll tell him that mine is bigger cause I’m a full grown man.
Midwife: I doubt that’s why he’ll ask.
Me: Hold up–you’ve never even seen mine. I’m pretty sure it will be bigger than his.
Midwife: No–I mean he’ll ask why yours looks different because his is uncircumcised and yours isn’t. Will you have a problem relating to him?
Me: Oh yeah. No. I won’t have a problem with that. My real concern is that it won’t look as good.
Midwife: Because it’s different than yours?
Me: Yeah, but also because I prefer my penises to be circumcised.
Midwife: Your own?
Me: No, the ones I look at.
Me: You know–in porno.
Midwife: Ok. Ummm, I can’t say that I’ve heard that reasoning before, but I’m not here to judge.
This medical decision had quickly taken an awkwardly sexual turn. It’s not that I wanted to clip my boy’s dick-skin based on my pornographic prefrences, I just didn’t want him to be the butt of the type of ridicule that I myself would have laid upon him when I was young and immature (whereas now I’m just old and immature). I had a hockey coach without the “tip trim,” and his nicknames included turtle neck, the ant-eater, funny dick, the fore-father, etc. etc. etc. (etc. etc. etc.). I just want my young man to feel comfortable with his nether regions.
I’ve heard it said that men with foreskin experience 20% more pleasure than men without. I masturbate at least 20% more than the average man, so I’m pretty sure I’ve accounted for the discrepancy–but I don’t want my son to have to follow the same hairy-palmed approach as his old man.
Then again, I’ve also heard that sneezing is also the equivalent of 1/5 of an orgasm– so maybe I’ll just keep lots of pepper in the house.
Ultimately, I think I’m going to let the skin stay. At the end of the day, women think dicks are kind of ugly no matter what. So to my unborn kiddo–you’re welcome for the 20%, and I apologize for the jokes
I’ll other kids might make. You’re perfect the way you are, and we’ll leave you as such. Plus, if you just wear a condom, girls probably won’t even know.
The Big Avocado