The Turtle Neck

The baby watch continues. Mama Avocado is 5 days overdue. The list of things to worry about in my life is growing, rapidly and dramatically, but nothing worries me more than the following decision–should we circumcise the baby?

Turtle necks: Sexier than turtle heads.

We didn’t find out the sex of the baby, so we don’t know if it’s going to be a boy or a girl … but I remain convinced it’s a boy. It’s not that I’m rooting for a boy–I just think it is, and I’m almost always right about everything, always.

So what do we do? Some people feel very passionate about this decision. I am not one of them. I don’t like the idea of my child enduring what I have to assume is obviously a traumatic, incredibly painful experience so early on in his life (have you heard the way they scream?!). Then again, I don’t like the idea of my little guy getting clowned in the locker room for sporting the old “dick-sleeve.”

We have turned to our midwife for advice. She has shared the following facts with us.

1. There is no medical reason to curcimcise your child.

2. Over 50% of boys across the country are uncircumcised.

3. In the Bay Area, 75% of boys are not.

4. Barring religion, the number one reason most parents choose to circumcise their child is because dad wants his kid’s “thingy” to resemble his own.

So my midwife says to me, “Are you going to have a hard time relating to your child when he says, “dad, why does your wiener look different than mine?””

Me: Well, I’ll tell him that mine is bigger cause I’m a full grown man.

Midwife: I doubt that’s why he’ll ask.

Me: Hold up–you’ve never even seen mine. I’m pretty sure it will be bigger than his.

Midwife: No–I mean he’ll ask why yours looks different because his is uncircumcised and yours isn’t. Will you have a problem relating to him?

Me: Oh yeah. No. I won’t have a problem with that. My real concern is that it won’t look as good.

Midwife: Because it’s different than yours?

Me: Yeah, but also because I prefer my penises to be circumcised.

Midwife: Your own?

Me: No, the ones I look at.


Me: You know–in porno.

Midwife: Ok. Ummm, I can’t say that I’ve heard that reasoning before, but I’m not here to judge.

This medical decision had quickly taken an awkwardly sexual turn. It’s not that I wanted to clip my boy’s dick-skin based on my pornographic prefrences, I just didn’t want him to be the butt of  the type of ridicule that I myself would have laid upon him when I was young and immature (whereas now I’m just old and immature). I had a hockey coach without the “tip trim,” and his nicknames included turtle neck, the ant-eater, funny dick, the fore-father, etc. etc. etc. (etc. etc. etc.). I just want my young man to feel comfortable with his nether regions.

I’ve heard it said that men with foreskin experience 20% more pleasure than men without. I masturbate at least 20% more than the average man, so I’m pretty sure I’ve accounted for the discrepancy–but I don’t want my son to have to follow the same hairy-palmed approach as his old man.

Then again, I’ve also heard that sneezing is also the equivalent of 1/5 of an orgasm– so maybe I’ll just keep lots of pepper in the house.

Ultimately, I think I’m going to let the skin stay. At the end of the day, women think dicks are kind of ugly no matter what. So to my unborn kiddo–you’re welcome for the 20%,  and I apologize for the jokes I’ll other kids might make. You’re perfect the way you are, and we’ll leave you as such. Plus, if you just wear a condom, girls probably won’t even know.


The Big Avocado

About The Big Avocado

A bag of chips and then some.
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17 Responses to The Turtle Neck

  1. Bob E. says:

    So…you showered with your hockey coach?

  2. Andrew says:

    Correction, he showered with us.
    It was probably the least creepy situation possible given the circumstances and there is about a 0.0000000000000000000001% LMac was interested in us.

    • Good point. Old MacD would have been the most undercover pedophile of all time.

      • Andrew says:

        Seriously. I cant imagine some one less gay/pedo. John Wayne? Nope.
        Ive seen the guy take a puck to the head and just yelp…which might have been him just calling for the puck.
        Different times, man. Different times.

  3. j dub says:

    They look the same when erect anyways, so if you do have a little boy coming soon, he will look just as good in a porno. And the extra skin might even help it grow bigger than yours. Who knows?

  4. Kirsten says:

    Ah, we had the same debate for our little guy…I wanted to keep him “au natural” and daddy wanted to have him the same as him, similar to your argument above. Uncle Kyle said “stop being such a hippie and just snip it!”. So, eventually we made the decision to get ‘er done, but think there is no right answer. Good luck with the new addition!!

  5. Ryan says:

    Or you could have him snipped, then buy him one of these

    I’ve heard some claims that circumcision leads to some performance issues in old men. But…that’s a hard thing to test. Not many volunteers out there.

  6. buchenmiller says:

    Think you just guaranteed a girl.

  7. Anna says:

    I left this decision up to my husband. He was very pro-snipping and our doctor actually did bring up some medical issues pro-snipping but Doctors say lots of different things and change their minds often so there’s that…Hope baby arrives soon safe and sound, give Mama Marie my best.

  8. Pingback: The Facts About Male Circumcision « Truth Mama

  9. Piankowski says:

    wrong again steph… can’t wait to see Kaya’s photos!!

  10. rosemary ehle says:

    You were so funny and heroic at your Mom’s funeral. It took guts and fortitude and you were a star. Please don’t stop writiing on this blog. She thought you were hilarious and adorable and said that you were so much like her. (Telling tales out of schoool.) Let the tears stop and we will have some fun at her gravesite. Major picnics!!!!

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