Thoughts on Valentine’s Day

WARNING: This post contains explicit material.
If you are an in-law – PLEASE, STOP READING. PLEASE. OH HEAVENS PLEASE .

St. Valentine's Day. Don't hate.

So, hating on Valentine’s Day feels a little played out—and frankly, I don’t get it. I hear the standard, “It’s a made-up holiday,” or “Happy Hallmark Day,” or my favorite, “I love you every day so I don’t need a holiday to show it.”

To me, Valentine’s Day means something completely different. It’s an opportunity to get some sex. Yeah, I’m married, and yeah, I’ve got two kids, so science would reason that I’ve had sex at least twice. And this isn’t to say that we don’t have a healthy amount of sex, but a holiday designed to give me a freebie? Sign me up.

Think about it—a romantic holiday. Romance is synonymous with sex. Ergo, a sex holiday. And to think people have the nerve to bitch about it.

“Woe is me, I have to trade some flowers and chocolate for a BJ.”

“Corporate America is capitalizing on my relationship.”

Uh, what? Granted, it’s not quite as straightforward as Steak and a BJ Day (March 14, coming up!)—but it’s not too far off either.

Now, to be fair—I am being a little hypocritical here. In years past I was Mr. Poo-Poo when it came to the festivities.

Me: You didn’t get me anything for Valentine’s Day, right?

Wife: No. I’d ask the same of you, but I’m sure I don’t need to.

Me: Isn’t it sweet how well we know each other?

Well, this year I flipped it on her. I arranged all the necessary festivities required to get me a blow job romantic evening.

First, I bought a gift (cue the  Big Pun “I’m Not a Player” music)—sunglasses to shield her pretty eyes from the shine of my game. Next, I made a chalkboard-sized Valentine card:

Do art. Get sex. Easy-peasy.

 

Upon receiving her gifts she started to cry.

Me: Baby, it’s just some shades.

Wife: I know. It’s just that you’ve never gotten me anything for Valentine’s Day before. You’re the greatest Valentine ever!

(Obviously, in the 15 years we’ve been together, I’ve set the bar really low.)

But who cares! Check and mate! I totally got some! In your face everyone who didn’t!

If you take anything at all from this post (aside from the fact that I’m a mack-daddy and you’re a buster, and bragging about sex never gets old, even if you’re married), take this: never, nevernevernever look a gift horse in the mouth. I don’t know what a gift horse looks like, but if you ever meet one keep your eyes averted. And if someone makes up a holiday to help you get some sex, quit your bitching. Don’t pay for sex. Pay for overpriced roses and chocolates and trade it for sex.

You’re welcome for the wisdom.

The Big Romanti-cado.

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About The Big Avocado

A bag of chips and then some.
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13 Responses to Thoughts on Valentine’s Day

  1. Wendy says:

    Big Green Veggie,

    You totally have to start doing stand-up if your delivery is half as good as it reads! Keep writing and making us laugh.

    WI in NY

    • Thanks for the compliments! Do keep reading.
      Stand up – not happening. Stage fright. I can’t even pee next to people in the bathroom (also known as stage fright – if that reference didn’t make sense.)

  2. Wendy says:

    Opps, isn’t an Avocado a fruit? My mistake, but delicious just the same!

  3. Bob E. says:

    Deve, I am sure this was a very funny post, no doubt, one of your most brilliant. I of course stopped ready it to looking up if Steak and a BJ Day (March 14, coming up!…) was for realz, and obviously had some people to contact as soon as I found out that it is in fact a real day. I’d make a really funny joke here, but don’t want to get fired….or beat up. (love the art work BTW)

    • Bobby – “I stopped ready it to looking up if steak and bj Day was for reelz.”
      I’m not generally one to point out typos – but I think the idea of a steak and a bj might have gotten you a little too excited.
      Slow down.
      Breath.
      Get your hands out of your pocket.

  4. Juliette says:

    Waiiiiit a minute. Something is fishy about that photo if my memory serves me correctly. Which doesn’t happen very often any more.

  5. Graham says:

    Some seriously solid shit you’re peddling here, man. Definitely going to have to rethink your placement on my sharp-o-meter. Well done.

  6. less big avocado says:

    if you were really good, you would get your wife to buy you a fancy dinner and then give you sex. . . .just saying. I think its because of my round the clock awesome. Also I feel weird reading about sex and then being reminded of the powerpuff girls. next time please reference adult aged sexy cartoons, maybe olive oyl or smurfette. . . .

  7. T$ says:

    I just got soooo excited to read your post. And I love you even more.
    PS- Marie makes everything look good…but you can try to make it about you 🙂

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