Man of Leisure


My father is a sage old man. He has provided my countless lessons to live by:

• Always send a thank-you letter.

• Never start eating till everyone is served.

• If you get a tattoo, it better come with a new house to live in. Same goes for piercings (especially the tongue).

• If you think a girl is about to dump you, you’ve got to dump her first.

• Never, and I mean NEVER, quit a job unless you have a new one lined up.

I’ve followed most of these, but failed to take heed of the last, which is possibly most important. After 10 years of dedication to Sports4Kids/Playworks, I decided to take my talents to the home front, where I work super hard, and get paid super nothing. It’s been two (possibly three) weeks since I left my job, and while I haven’t really jumped into the job search yet, I’ve been thinking about my strengths, my skills and what I can bring to my next position.

The following is the short list.

1. Sense of humor- superb. I can laugh at anything—me, you, my kids, you some more. See? I’m fun!

2. I excel at lunch. I’m absolutely brilliant at eating. My ballooning weight is evidence. As are my daughter’s observations:

Me: Lucy, did you have fun on the slide?

Lucy: Yes, but you can’t go on it, because you’re too fat.

Me: What did you just say to me?

Lucy: Well, Dad, the slide is skinny.

Me: Oh, you mean I’m too wide, or too big to go on the slide?

Lucy: Yes. And fat.

3. Well-rested, full of energy and ready to take on the world! In preparation for new work I’ve tried to recharge by taking a nap every day since leaving my job. I’ve been hugely successful … at napping.

4. I am fluent in English. I even have a degree in it. Unfortunately, I’m unaware of any position that values such a useful and well-rounded degree.

5. I’m very organized. I can organize a happy hour group at, say, 3:30 or
4 p.m. on almost any day of the week. Every office needs one of those guys, right? I can also organize a fantasy football league and/or NCAA pool.

6. I’m a super conversationalist. People are always like, “Is that the Big Avocado at the water cooler? I want to talk to him.” They ask with earnest enthusiasm. I’m that great at conversation.

7. I’m uber creative (which you can tell because I use words like “uber”). I think I’m one of just a few people in the world with their own blog. People even read it, sometimes.

8. I has atention two detale. Nothings get bye this guy.

9. My wife is pretty. I’ll bring her to any work outing. She’s frequently been referred to as “my greatest asset.”

10. Let me think about it. There’s gotta be a 10th asset. No one makes nine-point lists. Oh yeah—that’s it! I’m good at lists.

I don’t want to brag too much on this forum, but keep your eyes peeled and ears to the street. If not for me, do it for my dad. I talked to him today:

Dad: Why is it that one of my kids always has to be unemployed? Billy gets a job and you QUIT yours? Why do you kids do this to me?

Me: I didn’t quit. I retired.

Dad: Good God. Before I die I’d love to know that all my kids are either wonderful homemakers or are gainfully employed.

Me: You’re in luck—I’m currently the former!

Dad: … Shit.

–The Bum-Ass Avocado.

DISCLAIMER: If you are a prospective employer and this is your first look at my actual skill set, please give me a second chance. I’m good at a few other things too. I just have to think of what they are—wink, wink.


About The Big Avocado

A bag of chips and then some.
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6 Responses to Man of Leisure

  1. Bahb says:

    Far more of what I have come to expect from the BA. Even posted it. And I think you’d look dope with a tongue ring…

  2. J-Hawk says:

    Funny, I see no mention of running in your daily unemployed activities…

  3. ji says:

    I second the tongue ring. Would be an awesome inspiration for Lucy one day.

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