“Well, well, well… what do we have here?” you ask yourself, as your face lights up by the news of a Big Avocado Blog in your inbox/ Facebook feed. “This lazy shit finally wrote something.” Isn’t it just like Steve to make a comeback on his own birthday? Guy probably wants some birthday love.”
You, sir (or madame) are correct! It is my birthday today – 35! It’s been a fun ride thus far, and in anticipation of all your heartfelt, “likes” on my Facebook page, I thought I’d start you off with a “thank you,” and a gift – this post. Among the skills and attributes my aging persona has lost over time, vanity is not among them. So without further ado – the birthday post.
I’m a fortunate person. Life has given me much, and now I’d like to return the favor. I formally announce – #3 is on the way. Yeah, that’s right. Sex happened again. And another baby is half-brewed – due late August. I’m not rooting for a boy or a girl, nor do I “know,” but… IT’S A BOY!!! I’ve been wrong on the last 2, so I’m kind of playing the odds here, but I’m pretty sure this one will have a penis and two balls. Even have a name picked out – William Percy Fox – who will be known as “Percy”. William is my dad’s name (much respect due) and Percy is my mother’s maiden name. We’ll call him “Percy” in honor of my mom, cause she’s dead. Dad – we would have called him “William”, maybe even “Bill”, but you’re really dragging your feet on that whole dying thing, so, your loss.
In the rare case that I’m wrong, we’ve run some girl names through the public opinion poll, and have some options. Only problem is, most girl names that end in Fox (my sur-name) end up sound a little hookerish (exceptions being all living Fox women. Your names sound very classy.)
Feel free to weigh in on this decision — but here are the front runners.
<Conversation with my wife>
Me: How about Diamond?
Me: What about Silk?
Wife: That’s a man’s name.
Me: Get the shit out of here – you know a dude named “Silk?”
Wife: I wish. Cool name for a man. REALLY cool name for a woman.
Me: So, Silk it is?
Me: Oh yeah, sarcasm. How about Beatrice?
Wife: I’ve always dreamed of birthing a 90 year old woman.
Me: “B” -it’s cute/cool. I’d be all like, “Sup, B?” And my daughter would be like, “Sup, pops?!” We’d have a really great relationship.
Wife: Valerie- cute. Valerie Fox? Ho.
Me: You’re kind of yucking my yum, dude. I suppose you have some ideas?
Wife: I like Anna-Lee.
Me: 2 names? Is that what your secret hill-billy lover is pushing? I bet it is, you tramp.
Wife: I’m 4 months pregnant. Not that calling me a tramp is ever legit, but dude…
Me: Tramp blast- recinded. Still, veto privilege evoked.
Me: How about June?
Wife: Wow – I kind of like that. Classic, cute. How’d you come up with it?
Me: JKL! Alphabet soup! (J)une, (K)aya, (L)ucy.
Wife: You kind of ruined it.
Me: Psssht, I should TOTALLY be in marketing.
Me: I’ll take that as a yes.
So, I am formally introducing Percy/June Fox to the world. Y’all great ready. More blonds, more minivans, more awesome is right around the corner.
OK, back to my birthday – time to thank everyone for the gifts they’ve already delivered.
To my wife, thank you for leaving the country and stranding me, on my birthday, with the psychopath 2-year old Kaya for the next week as you travel over seas. I’d like to preemptively blame the burned down house on her, and promise our new digs are going to be even more awesome. Thanks for facilitating that.
(On a side note – she feels hella guilty, so this really is just a joke – have fun flying with Lucy for 15 hours tomorrow. Sounds awesome!)
To our nanny – thanks for moving in for the next 9 days. I know you are currently committed to only daytime hours while I’m at work, but I’m assuming you’ll come to your senses/my aid and just move in, change all the diapers, make all the food, walk the dog, and generally insure our health and relative well-being in my wife’s absence. I’m helpless. You know this. Do it for my wife. She likes me (usually), you like her, whaddaya say?.
And lastly, thank you to everyone willing to participate in the following experiment: Give me a call and say happy birthday with your voice box. The older I’ve gotten, the more removed I’ve become. Full disclosure – I’m the guy who writes, “Go Shortie” on all of your birthday updates. I call nearly no one. Technology has limited me to photo documentation of life, random Facebook posts, and similar passive outreach to most of my friends – even the best of ones. I don’t even really like to talk to people on the phone anymore – so this year, (or at least today) I’m going to take this shit old school and let you know with audio that I’m alive and would love to hear from you.
You don’t need to know me well, or even at all. I have a few Facebook friends who exist only in a virtual sense. YOU, yes, all of you are invited to say, “hi” today. I’m taking my daughter to see Rio 2 around 10 – PST, so out of courtesy to my fellow film connoisseurs, I won’t answer during that time, but most of the day is fair game after that. My brain function is, at best, average – so please start your conversation with- Hey, I know you from this (enter relevant information) part of life and I want to say, happy birthday, or hi, or whatever. I promise to hangup on you within 30 seconds because it would be so awkward otherwise. And this way – totally natural. Don’t be shy. Everyone’s invited. I’m hoping for at least one stranger. Let’s make dreams come true people. My dreams.
* I just had my wife read this- and she discouraged me putting my phone number on the Internet, message me should you need it.
So with that being said – Happy birthday, to me!
The Big Avocado.