While You Were Gone… (An Apology of Sorts)



See? She’s fine.

Dearest Marie (my wife),

Let me start by saying, you know I love you, right? Cause I do- like more than most people love most everything, even the stuff they love the most. You mean that much to me. So, basically, I just wanted to start with that, and then catch you up on the going-ons of the Fox household since you dipped across the pond (That means – went to England, right? I’m all types of cultured.)

About Kaya. Where to start? Ok, how bout here – uh, she has a dread lock. Maybe two – I don’t know; the rat’s nest behind her head is kind of intense. I’m starting to realize the whole, brushing her hair at night thing served a purpose beyond beauty, so…my bad. Maybe I’ll cut it out. JUST KIDDING! HA! See? I’m still funny, right? I’ll have the nanny help me. She has dreads too, probably knows what to do…

What else… (thinking)… OK, so there’s this, I haven’t really said the “no” word yet. Call it the path of least resistance. Look, I just didn’t want to upset her – and she seemed to get so worked up every time I gave any inclination that a negative response was coming her way. She’s becoming a great negotiator, much like her sister. I’m starting to realize the error of my ways. Allow me to explain with another story, wrapped inside another admission of guilt.

As you remember, it was my birthday on the day you left. I had a lot of Diet Cokes that night, and it kept me up very late. And when Kaya woke up at 6:45, without a caffeine hangover, I didn’t know what else to do. I gave her my phone and asked if she knew “Whinny the Pooh.” She was quite eager to meet him, and she had about a 45 minute hangout sesh with him while I continued to get beautiful (by sleeping). Around 7:30, this happened again. And at 8:15, I jumped out of bed – did 100 push ups, and 100 sit ups, shaved and sang a song!

Next morning:

(6:40 AM, just a little earlier than the previous morning (she’s very clever))

Kaya: I aunt bideo.

Me: (No response)

Kaya: Dada, I aunt bideo.

Me: (No Response)

Kaya then began to pet my eyebrows. Then she started to tap my eye lid. I don’t know what I thought would happen, I was just so tired, so I kept ignoring her. Then she took her game next level and stuck a finger up my nose. I woke up.

Me: KAYA! What the <unintelligible curse> do you want?

Kaya: I aunt poo.

Me: You need to poo?

Kaya: I aunt watch Poo.

Me: Oh, Winnie – that’s better. Didn’t feel like changing a diaper right about now. Here’s the video.

And thus, I set off a terrible reaction. Waking up has a new step in the routine. We should brainstorm some solutions.

I wish this post ended here, but…

We’re out of pancakes, waffles, cookies, mac n’ cheese, syrup and ice cream. On the bright side, all of the vegetables are still in the veggie bin, although they look a little soggy. I think the fridge might be having some problems.

We’re also out of diapers. I rationed them as best I could (1, maybe 2 a day – max) but still, we need to go shopping.

Kaya is really into repeating things. She’s getting so smart. I might, MIGHT, have heard her say – “you’re really pissing me off.” I think I said it to the dog once. Not her. If she tells you otherwise, she’s a total liar. True(ish) story.

I did a lot of laundry, so that’s cool, right? It’s in the laundry baskets. You’re better at folding, and you like it so much… just wanted you to feel important. I’m that kind of guy (a good one.)

If you’re wondering where that thing is that used to be in that place, it’s probably somewhere else. This doesn’t refer to anything specifically, but rather all of her books, toys, and anything else that used to be organized. Rest assured – it’s somewhere.

Also, I’m not sure where she got that Barbie. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the body type that doll promotes? Totally unrealistic. We should really talk to her about that.

What else, what else… oh yeah, the browsing history on the computer has been deleted. I think the power went out in the computer room, so if you notice that — totally normal.

Look, we had a great time. I learned a lot. Consistency works, especially when you consistently give her EVERYTHING she wants. She’s a really happy kid in said circumstances. Apparently, ice cream and pizza are her favorite things to eat. She told me every morning. Did I mention we are out of ice cream? Pizza too. Let’s add that to the shopping list. Also, “No” means “NO”. I now know that. And I think every boy she ever meets will as well. She’s so strong; our little girl is growing up so fast.

OK, that’s about it. Can’t wait to see you. We’ve missed you.


Papa Avocado.

PS – hope you brought me some cool stuff from England – I totally earned it.

About The Big Avocado

A bag of chips and then some.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to While You Were Gone… (An Apology of Sorts)

  1. Micah Lewis says:

    Hi-larious you buster


  2. Micah Lewis says:

    You just upped my market value huge. Thanks for what you do guy


  3. Anna Cotton says:

    Ha! Good job being single Dad for awhile. My husband likes to tell long stories of working at the “factory” swing shift when he’s single Dadding it

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s