Author Archives: The Big Avocado

About The Big Avocado

A bag of chips and then some.

Alvin: A Tribute

So, my guy, Alvin, AKA, Weird Al – the family dog for the last 9 years is soon headed to a farm upstate. It sucks. The story of Alvin starts like this: Wife: I think we should get another dog. … Continue reading

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A Rat

Where to begin… The Foxes have a rat. Also- yes, hi, I realize it’s been years. You want to hear the tale of the cowardly fox and the rat? Yes? Ok, where was I? Right, the bathroom. So I’m sitting … Continue reading

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Conversations With My Dead Mom.

Phone Rings (cause the dream sequence is so played out). Me: FOR THE LAST TIME, I DON’T WANT TO SAVE ANY MONEY ON MY ENERGY BILL. I WANT TO PAY MORE. PUT THAT ON MY PROFILE! Mom: Jesus. Stephen. Are … Continue reading

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Happy 70th, Mom!

Heellloooo? Anyone in here? <cough, cough> Jesus. Dusty as hell in here. Spiders everywhere. Looks like no one’s been here for years. (shamefully looks at you) My bad. Can we still be friends? You know, with benefits, and everything? Like … Continue reading

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3 Years Later

Well, Mom – it’s been three years and we still miss you. For some reason, Lucy decided to pull out the book with your recorded voice reading “Twinkle Twinkle”, and well, shit — it was tough, but nice to hear … Continue reading

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While You Were Gone… (An Apology of Sorts)

  Dearest Marie (my wife), Let me start by saying, you know I love you, right? Cause I do- like more than most people love most everything, even the stuff they love the most. You mean that much to me. … Continue reading

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Happy Birthday, to Me!

“Well, well, well… what do we have here?” you ask yourself, as your face lights up by the news of a Big Avocado Blog in your inbox/ Facebook feed. “This lazy shit finally wrote something.” Isn’t it just like Steve … Continue reading

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Me, Myself and I

I know this crazy scientist. He thinks I’m pretty cool and asked if I’d like to try out his time traveling device. I said, “Doc – I have absolutely nothing to do. No job. No need for a nap (just … Continue reading

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Mom?

Fuzzy sleep lines cloud my vision. Sound muffles out. I’m about to sleep. And then- Mom: STEPHEN! Me: Holy shit, MOM?! Mom: Oh, my sweet favoritest little angel, I’ve missed you so much. How are you? Me: Hold on. I’ve … Continue reading

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Running Sucks

Sometimes I try to get clever with my blog titles, but this one is pretty straightforward—running sucks. A few days ago I boastfully announced to the world that I would be running a half-marathon, and yesterday was the big day. … Continue reading

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